I wish I had a better sense of humor about my life circumstance at the moment but I am about as mirthful as Dick Cheney. Maybe he is mirthful. Hell I don't know. Is the Grim Reaper joyful? He reminds me of The Dark Angel. I really don't like Dick Cheney. It's actually easier for me to focus on Dick Cheney at the moment than it is to focus on....anything.
Which is what I am so flipping mad about. My butterfly brain. Oh hell. It is a great brain. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I do not have any faith in it's reliability. My brain has not been reliable. Smart, yes, creative, yes, curious, yes. But I have struggled mightily with translating those attributes into tangible outcomes over time in a consistent manner.
Okay, I gestated 3 children. But in retrospect, if my brain had been in charge not my body they might still be half completed around the five and a half month point on my drafting table in the basement along with some Christmas project I began in 1999. It is not that I don't have stick -to- it-iveness its just that I ........
Where was I going? Oh right. I just sort of fade away.
I exist in a land where I doubt that I can be repeatedly successful over time in whatever undertaking I pursue. I don't trust that I can show up every day. ( because I haven't) I don't trust that I will finish what I start. ( because I haven't) About the only thing that I am consistent in is doubt.
I am told that with support, medicine and effort I can change. But honestly, I am scared to death that I won't. Because I have exerted effort, scads of effort, and I do have some amazingly supportive people in my life. The only thing I have not had is medicine. What if medicine is not the missing puzzle piece?
What if it is? What will showing up consistently for myself be like? Sort of scary.
I wonder what Dick Cheney's favorite joke is?
Which is what I am so flipping mad about. My butterfly brain. Oh hell. It is a great brain. Intellectually I know this, but emotionally I do not have any faith in it's reliability. My brain has not been reliable. Smart, yes, creative, yes, curious, yes. But I have struggled mightily with translating those attributes into tangible outcomes over time in a consistent manner.
Okay, I gestated 3 children. But in retrospect, if my brain had been in charge not my body they might still be half completed around the five and a half month point on my drafting table in the basement along with some Christmas project I began in 1999. It is not that I don't have stick -to- it-iveness its just that I ........
Where was I going? Oh right. I just sort of fade away.
I exist in a land where I doubt that I can be repeatedly successful over time in whatever undertaking I pursue. I don't trust that I can show up every day. ( because I haven't) I don't trust that I will finish what I start. ( because I haven't) About the only thing that I am consistent in is doubt.
I am told that with support, medicine and effort I can change. But honestly, I am scared to death that I won't. Because I have exerted effort, scads of effort, and I do have some amazingly supportive people in my life. The only thing I have not had is medicine. What if medicine is not the missing puzzle piece?
What if it is? What will showing up consistently for myself be like? Sort of scary.
I wonder what Dick Cheney's favorite joke is?
the lovely and brilliant Ned Hallowell says something along the lines of "asking a person with ADD to try harder is as helpful as asking a nearsighted person to squint harder". the story of my sweetie's life was always being told to try harder, but no matter how hard he tried, the end results were the same (less than successful!) and so it was really easy for him to stop trying, or give up faith in trying because it wouldn't make a difference anyway. Meds have helped my family A LOT, but I think they've worked better for my son because he didn't have 40 years of demoralization to deal with! It's harder to unlearn those messages we heard all our lives (from ourselves and others) Meds haven't "cured" my guys by any means - but it lightens their load. It quiets a lot of that extra noise so that they can focus on implementing the strategies that they've been learning. and they are way happier and more successful. and in no way has medication dulled their beautiful creative spark or fabulous sense of humor. (If I ask my husband what Dick Cheney's favorite joke is, he'll probably spend a half hour writing you an imaginary list)
ReplyDeleteIamrushmore, that is good to hear. I want my strategies to work more often. Definitely more than once. LOL And I'm open to your sweetie's imaginary list. Hehehehe..I'll bet it's awesome.
ReplyDelete"translating those attributes into tangible outcomes over time in a consistent manner" has been a struggle for me too. Mainly because as a sahm I don´t have something to show for my work at the end of the day.
ReplyDeleteI come and I go in the perception of myself. Sometimes I say that it is time to shuffle and deal again, specially around significant dates like my birthday (it is in three hours and a half so I´m there at the mo). Then I say "rearing two kids is work enough and although you can´t have a list of things I´ve done future generations will be thankful they are such good persons and if I hadn´t done what I´ve done they´d certainly notice".
I realize that this note isn´t that helpful in the sense that it doesn´t give you tools to change the situation but it is a friendly cyberhug because I understand what you say.
Don't know if this will be helpful or not, but I'm currently reading "Is It You, Me or Adult A.D.D.?" by Gina Pera to help cope with my partner's 'moderate ADD' diagnosis. The book offers "Success Strategies" in Part Three. I'm hoping the strategies work for us, because honestly, after twenty one years of living on his A.D.D. roller coaster, I'm ready to exit the ride permanently.
ReplyDelete